


Harry Potter and the Best Birthday Gift - Ever

by mac_jem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Implied Masturbation in Shower, Interrupted by Arch-Nemesis, Other, Unique Killing Method
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:43:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8403886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mac_jem/pseuds/mac_jem
Summary: Three hundred words of pure, unadulterated Crack.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of his playmates....
> 
> Damn!

**31 st July, 1995**

In the early morning hour of 0500, Lord Voldemort made a decision. As this was the Potter brat’s fifteenth birthday, he, the most powerful Dark Lord in history, would give Potter the one gift Lord Voldemort was capable of giving – death.

Having made up his mind, the Dark Lord called Wormtail to his side, grabbed his arm and apparated directly to Potter’s location.

They arrived in the small bathroom on the upper floor of Number 4, Privet Drive, facing a closed shower curtain with the sound of running water.

Drawing his wand, Voldemort ripped back the curtain, to be presented with the back of a very naked, very wet Harry Potter. Harry turned, nonchalantly, revealing that he was in the midst of polishing his wand. No, not his Holly and Phoenix Feather wand, though the lengths were not dissimilar. Voldemort’s jaw dropped and his eyes bulged at the size of Harry’s endowment, while Wormtail seemed frozen in place.

Harry casually reached out and plucked Voldemort’s Yew and Phoenix Feather wand from his limp fingers, reversed the grip and plunged the tip of the wand through Voldemort’s left eye before muttering “ _Evanesco_ ”. Harry pulled the wand from the now empty braincase of the former Dark Lord, letting the no longer animated body fall to the floor. He then pointed it at Wormtail, and incanted “ _Petrificus Totalis_ ”, thus petrifying the man for the Marauders' later enjoyment.

Studying Voldemort’s wand for a moment, Harry said, “Cool, a spare wand, and it doesn’t even have the trace on it. Great birthday gift, Tom. Thanks!”

Harry set his new wand on the edge of the tub and continued with his polishing job, softly singing to himself:

“Happy Birthday to me,  
Happy Birthday to me,  
Old Voldy’s going moldy,  
I’m finally free!”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a plot bunny I couldn't get out of my head.
> 
> On another note, "To Rescue Tomorrow" is on indefinite hiatus. My hard drive fried (literally!) taking all my notes with it. If I can somehow recreate the plot, I'll get back to it. Sorry, folks.


End file.
